Hello fellow geeks and mafia members, welcome to my first article for All Ages of Geek. And today’s focus is none other than the 25-year-old college woman with a lot of free time, abundant depression, and a craving for anything covered in cheese, or snuggling with my Chiweenie Sugar whenever I’m too lazy to get out of bed. By popular demand, you have asked for me to introduce myself to all of you and now you are all stuck with me, welcome to my mind, don’t forget to leave a tip. So let’s get everything out of the closet where my sexuality used to stay and get this walking disaster under a microscope.
My Inner Geek
For as long as I can remember I have had a large fascination with media, games, and literature. In my childhood, you would find me with my nose in a book, writing up future book projects, or gushing over my favorite television shows. Some examples are television shows such as Avatar: The Last Airbender, Invader Zim, Generator Rex, Teen Titans, and many more.
I can’t give an example for books I’ve read because I’ve read thousands throughout my life, but the genres I am drawn to most are, anything with fantasy, original worlds, and extreme character diversity and charm. Or even things from a point of view you would never think of. The more out of the norm the better in my book. Which is also what got me into things like RWBY as well. I don’t want to ramble about games yet we can save that for another day.
My personal projects also follow this pattern which I think is what lead me to like Katya so much and connecting with her the way I have. I’m sure many of you can relate.
How I found Katya
Alright so long story short, I am the sort of person who enjoys seeing other people react to or experience the same things as me. It gives me a sense of connection to the world around me. And as an introverted young adult, of course, the internet became my obsessive addiction, like my mother and her feelings towards root-beer, and the piles of empty twelve pack cartons on the dining room table. Katya Stec met all of those requirements, my socially starved brain latched to her channel, like a parade of lovable puppies that I let run me over in excitement and cuteness. I started watching Kat when she was reacting to the Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared series, and her Detroit: Become Human let’s play series. And once she got into RWBY, I was too far gone to be saved, I was already in that corner of the neighborhood owned by our don. And I signed my contract in blood and started sporting the colors.
RWBY is a show I have a huge attachment to, not just with it’s story and characters, but with being an anchor for me when I was at my lowest and most lost. It saved me, and funny enough upon finding Katya I was dangling from that edge again. But her videos gave me confidence and strength, and her words always seemed to give me a boost when I felt I would lose my grip on everything. I may be dramatic but this is the truth, and I know there are others like me in this mafia. Katya’s message struck a chord with me. Like a flash of lightning to a lightning rod. Fandom positivity! And what it means to be part of a community where you will not be attacked based on any theory, ship, or preference. And also the fact that she also has struggles that she had to overcome. And I am so glad she seems to have found her stride. And I will be running beside her.
But okay, you asked to learn more about me. Not just interests and hobbies. But what makes me human. Well here is the summary of the life of the formless blob known as Kayleigh McRae, and how she became a they, and how the journey began and where it leads.
As a young tiny bean, (yes Kat I know you are reading this.) I didn’t have many friends. In fact, most of my school experience was one bully routine to another. The time I was supposed to grow and learn, the time I was meant to make friends and socialize. I was isolated, alienated, and made an outsider. Why was I targeted you ask? No idea. But it really affected me. From the physical tortures such as hair pulling, pinching, pushing, even so far as locking me away into closets or bathroom stalls. To vocal jeers, about my appearance, my background, my behavior, my skills made into things to be ashamed of. My voice snuffed out. It got to the point where I moved from school to school. But the bullying seemed to follow. When you find that no one wants to give you a chance. When you are ignored, betrayed, strung along, played with, and abandoned. Trying to hold on to even one friend at a time. It makes you hate yourself. And sadly, it was exactly this sort of treatment as well as home issues that lead to me having Complex Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.
I spent my free time reading, trying to escape the real world, it was so bad that I didn’t feel human. I even wondered if I was there at all. Which as a child is the worst sort of state you can be in. Constantly afraid, constantly on edge. Constantly wondering if today is the day your friends finally decide to leave because they are tired of you. And I still do.
(TRIGGER WARNING: for anyone with depression or any mental illness be prepared I’m about to share things that can be triggering to some.)
As I said I am in college and for the past three years my scars that I’ve tried to hide from over 20 years of abuse, at the hands of people I was supposed to look to as peers and friends, reopened. Suddenly I couldn’t handle the strain. I found myself isolating myself, avoiding doing anything but sleep. I would wake up at night and suddenly want to pull my hair and bash my head into walls. I had severe panic attacks and severe anxiety. Sprinkled together with a part-time job, commuting, and a 30-hour course load. I just started giving in. And I ended up…contemplating ending it all. But then would be overwhelmed with the guilt of the thought and then the self-hatred would start. And it would be like this on loop. While trying to juggle my adult life. I couldn’t escape into books or making stories anymore. I was questioning my sexuality and preference at the time. Discovering past friendships that I wanted to be more than friendships only to see those people get together with others, and keeping silent. But I proudly can say now is that I am nonbinary/demisexual, and dating my amazing girlfriend. But at the time I was scared to come out, and that didn’t make anything better.
If you wonder why I didn’t reach out, I didn’t feel I was worth the effort. And why not confide in my mom? Well, I am a very emotional person, and my mother was a single parent. Kids cry, and my mom never realized how hard it could be. I wouldn’t let her, I didn’t want to hurt the other kids. Yes, it was a sort of Stockholm syndrome I had for my attackers. Not that she didn’t know a good deal of what happened, like me coming home crying every day of the year, but after a while, I started hiding the abuse from her. I didn’t want to burden my mother with my problems. Yes, I know it is her job as a mother, but she was the only person who loved me for me and I wasn’t going to let my problems hurt that.
But this story does have a happy path ahead. I am finally letting myself be myself, and discover myself in many ways. I am making friends, some from this very community. And thanks to Kat I can write again. And now, I hope my voice can help others. Either with stories that can take you away from the pain you experience, or as a hand to grasp when the world turns an eye. Be strong, be positive, and most importantly be yourself.
Anyways thank you for reading, and thus we conclude my introduction. Please feel free to tweet me at @FilmGeekGoddess on Twitter. And find me on the All Ages of Geek Discord as GeekGoddess2.0.